white noise

Sometimes in the busy-ness of the world, we forget to stop and say thanks. A very long time ago, a lady (her name will come to me … eventually) gave me a pin that has the letters WWJD (“What would Jesus Do?”). She was never pushy or offensive about her religion and it helped to open me up to learning more about God and Christianity. I’m still not inclined to follow any one organized religion, but I strive to maintain my spirituality and have a working relationship with “God” whatever form or shape that he or she may be. I look upon Jesus as a role model, mostly thanks to Yana’s input because she does tend to bring him down to earth and I very much like that. It makes him accessible and I like accessibility. To just say he died for our sins and he’s our only salvation says to me we’re all screwed — yeh, no. Big fat no. God put us here to figure it out for ourselves. Or, we put ourselves here to figure it out for ourselves, depending on which self-help book you’re reading on which day. But, to say Jesus is the only one who can make things right for us is a whole lot of excusing bad behavior. Doesn’t fly.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I struggle to accept responsibility for my own bullshit. I don’t like accepting the ugly parts of my nature any more than the next person, but without it, I’ll never achieve self-mastery, and this is one of my clearest desires. If I can master myself, I can be at peace with myself. If I’m at peace with myself, I’m in tune and in balance with the rest of the world, and — my friends, that is one of the most wonderful feelings I have ever felt in my entire life. If I can attain that inner peace more than 50% of the time, bonus for me.

But, the idea, too, is to understand that no matter what book you’re reading, what workshop you’re taking, or what church you’re attending, the information you’re getting is filtered through someone else’s interpretation. It’s up to you to pick what works for you. It’s not easy. It’s easier to follow to crowd and submit to peer pressure.

I am, (I think) by nature, a negative personality. It could be I am just by exposure to the life I’ve had, but it’s very easy for me to get drawn into negative habits, and very, very difficult for me to recognize them and step away from them. Although counseling with Dr. McVoy has helped, especially with the Fibromyalgia (it produces a LOT of negative energy), saying I’m going to change a behavior and actually changing that behavior are worlds apart. And, since I’ve had a lot of success in fixing all the damage over the years from the molestation and rape (I’m still not comfy calling it that), the physical and emotional abuses, etc. I got lazy. It’s constant work; I’m sick of working. I’m sick of the uphill battle. I’m sick of struggling.

Well, but, just because I’m tired of it, doesn’t change the fact that I’m an addictive personality. It doesn’t diminish my startle response. It doesn’t make me less vulnerable to codependency. It doesn’t make the night terrors or the flashbacks go away when they decide come to hang out and heckle me. It doesn’t soften the dissociative behavior or the fugue states (my experiences with fugues aren’t so bad, anyhow). My indifference makes them even more dangerous.

Fucking, DUH. (Can you tell I’m a wee bit crabby with myself? Yeh? Well, I’ve been a punk now for about 2.5 years, don’t bug me, I have a right. Someone has to keep me in line. :)

Spiritually, I haven’t been growing. As a matter of fact, since I moved to Blacksburg, and up until the beginning of this year, I’ve felt like I’ve been shrinking … shriveling up. Blackening even, as if I’m charring. As I said in an earlier post, I’ve not felt any god like presence at all. I know why Peter scrammed — someone else was the center of my attention. I feel Sharon had similar issues, coupled with the fact that I wouldn’t be her dumping grounds when she refused to work on our troubled relationship. But those two losses undermined my confidence a lot. And, had I known that the folks I kept company with after ending my relationship with her were as bad as she is about gossiping, I’da yanked my head outta my tush a hell of a lot faster and ran for cover WAY sooner than 2.5 years. Whoa Nellie.

But, I love Sharon, and were there some way that we could get couples counseling across the web and she’d work on being a happier camper (yes, me too), we’d still be in contact. We were both fubar puppies, and we both have our issues to hammer out. Chances are, we probably should not have lived under the same roof, given our mix of problems, but who knows what might have happened to me if I hadn’t moved in with her and Howard when I did. We’ll never know, because I’m here. And this part of our lives I can never forget, no matter how miffed I get with her for being a schmuck. She saved my life. Yes, that matters.

Peter’s just a lost cause. I understand why, but I’ll always believe it obnoxious — yanno, what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. If he had other issues with our relationship, well, then he should have been honest about it and put a little effort into making it clearer. Feh.

So, to answer the question: What would Jesus do? Why, he’d love. It’s a difficult thing to do. Yana tells me he was a trouble maker in his own right. He toppled tables, raised his voice, shook his fist, etc. He was an in-your-face kinda guy — my kinda guy. He stood up for what he believed in and he believed in himself. He believed in others. Well, I suppose that’s a start, yes? It’s a good example. And I’d like to surround myself with positive happy people. But also, people not afraid of being honest with me and with themselves. I gotta tell you, too — Miss Marni packs a punch and she nailed me — not once last night, but twice. My REAL relationships (like herself, like Jon, like my Yana booboo ((one day she WILL kill me for the sappy pet names))) should be worth the sum total of everything else in the world and should come first (and, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!; my paraphrase). And, I need to nip this latest codependency problem pronto. The rest of her assertions I can haggle over with her because sometimes we need to remember to let our buds know they’re not doing everything wrong, but those two points — yeh, the frankness … She didn’t beat around the bush, candy coat them, gussy them up and make them look purdy, or say them gently. It hurt. Blindingly. No, I didn’t want to hear those particular truths. At the moment, I mostly want to lick my wounds. Actually finally coming to terms with what I *really* want and believe is a huge stress relief, but also difficult. I want my mommy. :(

But, she’s right. Regardless of Jon’s recent confessions and confidences (which are a heavy burden and terrifying in their own right), he’s taken care of me. He’s loved me like no one else ever has. He works hard, keeps a roof over our heads, and has given me free rein to explore the person my parents never gave me time to explore. He buys me flowers and sends me smooches via email, I get drive-by kisses at night when we’re home together. He tries my cooking techniques even when he thinks his cooking techniques are better (engineers, I tell ya!). He tries hard to meet me half way even when he starts the battle because he knows (at least now he does) if he starts it, he better be willing to finish it, because I certainly will and there’s no trying to win by intellect alone. I’ve been street smart longer than he’s been alive (insert satisfied smirk here).

The empty, relationships lacking any form of respect or appreciation are meaningless and a waste of my valuable time. Time I can be spending with people who *do* value me– my insight, my input, my laughter and sick sense of humor. People who do want me to challenge them and push them out of their comfort zones. Go on, I dare ya, drive through that drive thru and ask for a refill on yer Coke!

Marni (I hope you don’t mind, ma’am– yell if you do), reminds me of my deputy friend, Randy. Except she’s more refined and a hell of a lot prettier. :P Randy could be hurtful in his honesty, it was that blunt, but he was also the one who taught me that we’re all conveniently principled. He’s also the reason I try to be consistent in my beliefs and NOT conveniently principled. One of the most important values I have in friendship came from a fight I had with him: Do not hold me to a standard that you yourself will not uphold. Marni works on herself, too. I see her making an effort to make better choices. It’s a good example to follow. She’s not just socking it to me for kicks and sadistic relief because her own life is out of control. I trust she’s made an honest observation based on my recent distress and she’s not holding me to a standard while sitting back on her butt doing nothing.

Friendship, like any relationship, needs work. It must be nurtured, monitored, and cared for with an eye for what is healthy. My relationship with Yana has survived many bumps and bruises, and there have been times when we weren’t sure it would. Sometimes fear was the culprit and fear of loss is a bad thing — don’t let fear dictate the outcome of a situation. There have been times when Yana made commitments that I depended on (life-altering) with which she nearly couldn’t follow through, but instead of being honest and coming to me in a timely fashion so that we could find alternative answers, her fear nearly wrecked our relationship. She waited until after the fact to speak up. Now she knows, and I know, that we need to communicate — no matter what. The truth has to come first. It’s working, and we’re doing very well. I feel closer to her than I ever have, especially on a spiritual level.

Now Scott … he’s about to get his arse schooled. :P I shouldn’t say that. He does call sometimes and he is a busy-body so maybe I just need to make myself more of a pest. And, Miss Jennifer cracks me up. I’m not sure what to do about her. I miss her when she’s not here, but 3,000 miles makes it very difficult to get in her face and say, “HI, I’M HERE!” She’s one of those very immediate persons. Kinda like Jon in a way, except that she also has a husband, twin 1 year-olds and a job! She’s very good, up-beat people tho, so I’ll keep trying different ways to maintain contact.