Mar 14 2006
Birthday Wishes
As May creeps ever closer, bringing with it yet another birthday, I’ve decided my wish for this year is for someone who has hurt my feelings deeply to take responsibility for said hurt, apologize, and ask for my forgiveness instead of simply assuming it’s there to take. I’ve heard many wonderful sentiments in recent years, but “I’m sorry I hurt you, will you forgive me?” hasn’t been one of them.
I came across the card my father sent to me when he finally faced whatever demon it was he needed to face in order to walk away from meth. The card is a powder blue color. On the front, sunlight glints off cattails. Inside it, he writes he loves me and always will. That I saved his life. I remember reading those words for the first time while sitting in my truck in the parking lot of MTI in Sacramento. I remember knowing in my gut that he was sincere, that this was real. That battle, at least, was over. No more nifty how-the-hell-did-you-get-my-number phone calls about how I managed to ruin his life or death threats at 3 a.m. I can remember the quiet sense of relief I felt.
I’d never have to call dispatch again and whimper pathetically over the phone at Carol, “please don’t make me shoot my own father.” Yay for me. I only had to do that once, but you know, such an experience leaves rather an unpleasant taste on the tongue. It’s right up there with that bar of Lava soap being scraped across one’s bottom teeth.
He doesn’t remember the fighting. He doesn’t remember the nastiness and hatred even though I do. It must all seem like some blurry-eyed dream to him at times, and I often wonder if I should let it go and just move on. But, there’s also that part of me that has learned that “forgiving and forgetting” does not equate to ignoring or sweeping things under the carpet to be cleaned up another day. There’s the matter of accountability, and I am entitled.
It’s about love, but it’s also about respect.