white noise

Wow.

I have to copy these passages here. They’re from The Four Agreements, a book by Miguel Ruiz:

The Second Agreement
Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

and …

…Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own mind.

and …

If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn’t walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don’t need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.

The last passage makes me feel I should whole-heartedly thank the people who’ve chosen to walk out of my life. It’s hard to consider that maybe someone’s absence is a heck of a lot better than his or her presence, especially after what feels like a long-term investment. Toxic people make us sick and in turn we continue to feed that toxic addiction; then we become the toxin. It becomes an endless cycle.

The last sentence resonates profoundly. At some level of myself, I understood this as one who understands but barely grasps the universe of the self. It wasn’t long ago that I tangled myself in the toxic environments of others. I felt poisonous off and on for the last seven or eight years. Dependency is a scary demon. I didn’t listen to my own higher-self, even though it’s the voice I should pay closest attention to for guidance.

Mine was a miserable soul the last 3 years I lived in Sacramento. Having to juggle a full-time job, full-time classes, and deal with the barrage of physical pain and fatigue every single day made it difficult to stay grounded or centered. It’s easy to start living someone else’s misery, to lose sight of what is good and happy.

Then, in moving to Virginia, well you know — with all that toxic waste sloshing around inside me, I carried on the tradition. I think I moved away from it incrementally, but it’s been a slow, spiraling climb and one I’ve been less than fully aware of as I’ve traveled. Reawakening and taking back my control has made me happy again. Happy, centered, a little tired and sheepish, too. But, I also feel more focused and more determined to grow and love, and especially believe in myself.

My gift to the human race: I’ll learn to paint beauty with your toxic waste.

Yeah. :)