white noise

It’s a good day and a needed one after this week. On Monday I got a full dose of Myer’s Cocktail and it floored me. Or, perhaps the fun and sun at Colonial Williamsburg, the stress of almost losing my step-mother, and the cocktail made for a bomb of a week. Phew!

It’s a little warm and wet here today, but beautiful just the same. I’ve found a peace within myself over my family situation. I finally realized, if there’s no will I’m not the Executor of the Estate, thus I won’t have to clean up any messes. Granted, the limited memories of my “childhood” home could vanish and a small fortune might be squandered, but I realize that whatever happens and how it unfolds belongs to a system I can’t control.

It’s one of those “Let go, Let God” type of situations and slowly I learn to trust that however life unfolds, it’s as it should be. That doesn’t soften the sorrow of loss, but at least I feel I’ll have time to mourn without having to be the strength the rest of my family will tap into and (ultimately) drain. If, on the other hand, I am the executor of her estate, then I can honor her final wishes down to the last detail.

Two brushes with death in six months … I can’t imagine her fear, but I also know she won’t open up and talk about it. Facing our mortality is the ultimate in fear of the unknown. I wish I could help Barbie trust in whatever grand design there might be, but, you know, I’m also one for going against the grain or struggling against the current.

Still, I can’t help believing that if she’d learn to focus in the now (and start taking better care of herself), she would live a better life. Who knows for how long, but that’s a question none of us can answer.