white noise

Laurel’s mom photocopied the following ad from the Inyo Register in (I think) 1996 in an effort to help me convince my step-mom she needed to re-examine her relationship with my father. At that point, I don’t think it left much of an impression, but I’ve kept the copy with me in a binder all these years. Thinking it might be worth repeating, I’m copying it here:

ARE YOU IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?

Do any of your personal relationships have any of the behavior patterns listed below? If so, you might want to consider how these patterns may be affecting yourself and your children. Remember you are not alone, nor are you to blame, and you have choices.

You are in an abusive relationship if your spouse, ex-spouse, lover or dating partner has:

Battered women share some common emotional reactions to violence in their homes. Do any of these following feelings and thoughts seem familiar to you?

Withheld approval, appreciation or affection as punishment? Continually criticized you, called you names, shouted at you? Ignored your feelings? Ridiculed, criticized or insulted your appearance, friends, most valued beliefs, your religion, race, class or sexual preference? Been very jealous, harassed you about real or imagined affairs? Manipulated you with lies and contradictions? Insisted you dress the way he/she wants? Humiliated you in private or public? Driven away your friends or family? Taken car keys or money away? Subjected you to reckless driving? Locked you out of the house? Thrown objects at you or threatened to do so? Abused or threatened to abuse your children or pets to hurt you? Punched, shoved, slapped, bit, kicked, choked, or hit you? Raped you, forced or coerced you to be sexual when you didn’t want to be? Threatened to kidnap the children if you leave? Threatened to commit suicide if you leave? Minimized the physical/emotional abuse to you?

Are you afraid of him/her? Do you worry a lot? Do you ever think of running away? Do you feel like you can’t relax? Do you always have to be on guard, watching his/her moods, being careful what you do or say? Do you doubt your own judgment and think maybe you are going crazy? Do you think it must be your fault? Do you blame yourself and think that somehow you deserve to be battered? Have you lost confidence in yourself? Do you feel confused, helpless, depressed or hopeless? Do you lack energy or have little interest left for things that you used to enjoy? Have you lost contact with other people: family members, friends, co-workers, or neighbors? Do you feel like you have no choice but to put up with it and stay? Do you feel trapped and alone? Do you find yourself doing things sexually that are painful or humiliating?

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

Don’t try to down-play or minimize the warning signs. If you believe you’re in an abusive relationship, get help and get out. This applies to men as much as it does to women.