white noise

By the way, I’m getting HITCHED to the bestest man in the whole wide world!

Jon and I bought the expansion and started playing World of Warcraft again this weekend. We built Draenei characters and roamed around together smashing things and collecting quest rewards. I had fun, a lot like I had fun the first time I played Asheron’s Call, my first MMORPG.

When it came down to making the decision to buy the expansion, though, I nearly crawled out of my skin trying to choose. I took two copies from the shelf at Target and stood there for a moment as if the boxes had paralyzed me. Do you really want to do this? I asked myself, over and over. Understand that online gaming wrecked my second closest friendship and nearly destroyed my faith in Jon, too. Understand, too, that I love playing WoW, but I don’t love it so much that I want to be married to it. I don’t want to have to spend 7 hours a day in a virtual world to accomplish something in life or to *be* someone special.

I started playing Asheron’s Call late in 2003 because my move from California to Virginia took me 3,000 miles away from one of the most important people to me. I thought spending time with her virtually over the internet would be better than not getting to spend time with her at all. What I ended up with was an endless barrage of negative interaction. By the time I wanted out of the guild and away from the crap, Jon had thoroughly entrenched himself in his own struggle for popularity — as if high school was never bad enough.

There’s an element of anonymity about online gaming that allows people to believe they can do and act as they please. In some cases, it’s blatant. Simply log into WoW, stand in Ironforge or any other fairly busy central location, and watch general chat. But, as I’ve learned, poor behavior can strike much closer, too. Spend more than a month in a guild (I’m guessing in any game) and try to leave. No matter what reason you might have, the remaining guild members will take it as a personal attack. They’ll turn on you like rabid dogs.

The structure of a guild in Asheron’s Call is such that one character swears allegiance to another. This creates a pyramid. When the realization came that I had to leave, I couldn’t. I had Jon’s account sworn under my character. He had several characters sworn under his. It turned into a month-long production with him running around in secret meetings with his new found friends. It stopped being a game. More than once I thought I was trapped in some bizarre nightmare. I had to wake up soon. If I didn’t, I was going to stab Jon with an ice pick.

Two weeks into this fucking trial, it was apparent that he didn’t know what he wanted. Twice I gave him the option to stay. Twice he told me it wasn’t an option. And, dumbly, I believed him.

I think my online gaming experiences would have improved greatly if I had walked away THEN — not just from Sharon, but from Jon and the people he was then associated with, as well. Here’s why: I’m not a tolerant person. I don’t take kindly to backstabbing, two-faced bullshit. I’m not inclined to standby idly with my mouth shut while someone acts like a dirtbag or a schmuck. I’m the big mouth that will tell you that you’re being a jackass and to knock it off. I don’t give a lily-white rat’s ass if you think I’m socially acceptable or not. Hard ass or not, I’m a good person and (for the most part) I treat others with respect and kindness. I go out of my way to help when I can.

At that time, however, I was completely and utterly alone. I’d just moved 3,000 miles into the house of an almost complete stranger. We weren’t getting along, though we were trying. We’d already started counseling, together and separately. I had no place to go, no way out, and the one person I thought would help support me couldn’t shut up about her own misery long enough to listen. I had nothing, and worse, two of the closest people to me were more worried about their popularity than their reality.

Had it not been for Yana, I’d be writing this from a prison cell. Well, okay, I’d be writing this in a prison cell on a piece of paper with a crayon. She called one evening in (I think) October of 2005; I was crying. She asked me why and I told her the whole story. She’s heard parts of it over the last three years, but none in quite so much detail. She may not be able to relate to my ties to an online community, but being my closest friend, she’s always tried to understand it.

She said, rather simply, “I love you. You’re always welcome here, you’re my friend no matter what you wear, how you look, or how good your aim is (paraphrasing). We solve our problems together and we don’t take accountability for granted. That’s what friends do — work on their friendship.”

If you translate that into WoW speak, it means you’ll probably never see Neece in a full set of Beast Stalker armor. Why? Because the time I spend playing with Jon is more important to me than the next piece of uber phat loot or that cushy seat in high council. If he gets wrapped up in game politics, popularity contests, or any other arrangement of bullshit associated with an online gaming community, this time, he’ll have to do so at his own risk.

This time, as the counselor and my best friend suggested — I will walk away. In fact, I’ll fucking run.

Okay, okay, it’s the second day of March already. Dammit, I swore I’d keep up with a blog even if for no other reason than writing something every day is good practice. Poof! Two months already gone.

What can I say? Having to update WordPress today, breaking Marni’s blog, and thinking if Marni doesn’t start blogging soon I’m going to spam her blog with graffiti all got me thinking I should probably work on my own website sometime in the next millennium. I’m so used to journaling in a real journal that it doesn’t occur to me to post something — anything — here on a daily basis.

Let’s not get into the scores of photos I said I’d post six years ago. My photography skills have always been rotten; thanks to Jon, they are now improving. I think over the course of my life I’ve taken as many as 10 rolls of film worth of pictures. I think only two of those rolls actually made it to print.

So, technically, I suppose I wasn’t truly evil. I didn’t slather Marni’s blog with graffiti even though it gave me fits on the upgrade and someone deleted my account info. It’s still tempting — maybe something very un-Marni-ish to taunt her.

Then I decided I probably ought to practice what I preach and blog something.

Anything!

We hope you enjoy the ride!

The years go by faster and faster, but lately they also just seem to get better and better. I’m happy to be where I am at at this moment and can hardly think of anything I’d want to change. Well, there are things I need to change, but I have been working at them slowly, and I have progressed. Throughout much of 2006, I didn’t know where I was and I felt lost much of the time. Nothing has magically fallen into place, but the pieces of the puzzle start to fit and together I know they’ll make the whole.

I look forward to this and much, much more.

Happy New Year to you all.

Well, the day has finally arrived. I have fancy new Dell Dimension E521 with an AMD dual core processor and Windows XP Home edition included. I started with Kubuntu on my laptop about 4 months ago and although I have a looooong way to go, I feel confident enough to call it my default OS. It’s a start. I’ll keep XP Home on the new desktop as long as it’s supported and possibly longer. However, because I find Microsoft’s philosophy and business practices truly abhorrent any more, I can’t say I’m willing to buy another Windows OS. If I can’t make it on Linux, I’ll buy a friggin Mac.

I’ve also found OpenOffice.org to be a delightful replacement for the Microsoft Office suite. Unlike changing operating systems, replacing MS Office with OpenOffice.org is fairly simple. There are subtle changes to some features, but otherwise, they’re very similar in look and feel. Again, instead of paying $200 to $500 for software you can’t use how you wish, you can help support projects like OOo with donations or your time. That time you give may be as simple as letting your friends and family know it’s a great program and that they should try it. Word of mouth is a powerful marketing tool!

Yes, I’d like everyone to abandon Microsoft. You know the addage: Power corrupts; absolute power corrupts absolutely. There are alternatives to surrendering the freedom to choose. Some are more difficult than others. We didn’t like what the Republicans have been up to and so we let them know by voting in the Democrats. David beat Goliath.

We could win, too.