white noise

This morning, Yana and I compared notes about sleeplessness. While I’ve no doubt stress is a huge factor in one’s ability to sleep — in our ability to sleep — digging up and edging out those hidden stressors that factor into defining how we rest is a tough problem to solve. We’re very different although I think the end result is roughly the same. She goes to bed early but is up by 2 or 3 a.m. while most nights I can’t get to sleep. Granted, the pain becomes a greater factor when I lay down at night. It’s easier to ignore during the day with the world a distraction around me. However, once I’m in bed, my awareness of its intensity increases. Then add to that the wind blowing or Jon twitching and it’s a safe bet I’m not getting to sleep anytime soon.

This has been an ongoing battle over the last three years, trying to be aware of how long it is before sleep deprivation begins to severely effect my cognitive functions. At what point do I lose my concentration, hurt more, or start seeing my short term memory degrade? I can’t say yet, but I can say that keeping a diary and logging key points in my day has helped — if only I could be consistent. It still doesn’t help solve the problem of leaving for the bank and ending up at the store, but being aware that I’m sleep deprived does help keep the panic to a minimum. It’s easier to recognize I’ve missed a step or overshot the runway and I’m able to sit for a few minutes, focus on the problem and resolve it.

I’m trying a To Do list again. Last time I tried, I realized after a week I was pressuring myself to accomplish everything in one day. I then had to abandon the method in order to keep from driving myself into the ground. If I adhere to the rules on the info sheet that Bivins gave me for pacing myself (during our first appointment), I’m often able to get from Monday to Friday without feeling completely hollow by the weekend. But, if I fail to pay attention to what I’m doing, the whole of it falls apart and it takes me 2 or 3 days to recover physically, sometimes even longer emotionally. It’s been a struggle to learn not to discount simple chores. Some days getting out bed, into the shower, and dressed are my greatest accomplishments. Jon suggested a long time ago that I should keep track of the things I accomplish throughout the day instead of what I don’t get done. It’s invigorating, to complete a task — whether making beads for the relay team or picking up the clutter in the living room — and unfortunately, I do get overzealous. Lack of sleep only compounds the issue. I hurt more, I stare at walls more, and I have to bust my ass to stay focused long enough to have a telephone conversation that doesn’t include a lot of, “I’m sorry, what was that again?” Since Yana calls me the most, she’s the one who hears it often and she seems to be pretty savvy about picking up on the days when I’m not all-functioning.

Of all the people I know, she and Jon both seem to have the keenest sense of what’s going on inside of me even when I’m unable to say. I suspect Annie might, too, because she often asks me if I’m doing all right. She has her own experiences with combating utter exhaustion so it’s possible she’s more adept at reading the signs. Jon is good at picking up on the I need help cues even if they come disguised as “I’m sick of doing laundry.” I haven’t been feeding him well the last couple of weeks. Not that I feed him bad, but meals haven’t been very imaginative or fun. Life sustaining, yes. He’ll always get that. But, last night I threatened him with a cheese pizza and then we ate leftovers. Our stock of leftovers is depleted for the month, however, so it’s time for Zombie Breece to pack her bags and take a vacation. We need more frozen enchiladas, homemade refried beans, stir fry, etc.

Thinking about this next month makes me anxious and I know I need to be very mindful of myself. Mama Yana didn’t even need to bring it to my attention although she did. I don’t really have a strategy yet. I just know that I want to be on my feet and as healthy as I can be on my wedding day.