white noise

I haven’t seen the movie United 93 and I won’t.

I defy terrorists and defeat terrorism every time I set foot on a plane. I think about flying now and a cold, strangling fear crawls up my spine. It wasn’t always this way. I loved flying; I loved feeling the plane take off from the runway, the quick acceleration, the rapid rise, how it pressed me back into my seat. I loved the way the world beneath me grew smaller and smaller, until the plane drifted high above the clouds, leaving the ground below with no more shape than a topographical map. Stretches of farm country turned into geometric shapes, mere patterns on a quilt, while I delighted over mountains that shrank to anthills.

Nine-eleven shattered all those tiny thrills.

I haven’t been on a plane since 2003. This coming September, I’m planning a trip for us to visit my family and friends on the west coast. On the trip I made here in 2003, I remember assessing my surroundings in the cabins of both flights (a total of 4 for round trip). I made mental notes of all that which I might use in my defense should one of my fellow passengers be stupid enough to try a takeover. I remember the fear and my resolve. Every passenger plane seems to me an aerial casket now. Now, to overcome my fear, I resign myself to death, into the hands of the Universe because I won’t hand myself over some moron whose noble idea of God relies on killing in the name of said God.

I wouldn’t kill in the name of any God, but it doesn’t stop me from believing I could kill for the sake of survival, or in the name of thwarting another from achieving his or her goal if that goal meant the destruction of others.

Fear is morbid. Predatory. Animal.

Week 2 – Day 3: So far no adverse effects. I can’t tell how much, if at all, the Myers’ Cocktail is helping. I don’t feel bad because of it, unless I can blame the abnormally busy dizzy and light-headedness on it. But, I could just as easily blame that on the Lyrica or the Ultram. I’m still on the prowl for the precisely right mix of activity modification and drug therapy to help me keep moving forward.

My hope is that this concoction isn’t just snake oil and that my greatest benefit will be freedom from the Fog. The increasing amount of times I lose myself in public places is alarming. Forgetting faces, names … sometimes I can’t even recall why I’m upstairs when I was downstairs only a minute ago. I’m told Alzheimer’s disease only effects the elderly. I wonder.

Jon commented the other day that I’ve vastly improved from the day I arrived here almost 3 years ago. It seems crash and burn is inevitable if I want to be a productive member of society. I keep trying to take my philosophy from the Tortoise and the Hare, but how? How does it fit in today’s society?

Yesterday, I went for my first half-dose of Myers’ Cocktail. I’m told it will help with my fatigue issues. Even so, I’m trying a lower dose than normal because of how I reacted to B12 shots (seriously, who needs crack?). I feel more wiped out than normal today, but yesterday was full. I had a dentist’s appointment at 8:50 a.m. with Richardson to fix my chipped tooth (it looks fantastic, by the way — no more metal fillings for this kid!). The tooth repair didn’t take long, but I was numb for most of the morning and part of the afternoon. It made for difficult mackin’ at lunchtime, and I’d only had a banana for breakfast. That’ll learn me!

I felt a bit frenetic while I was at Bivins’ office, as though I were running on empty. He paid me a kind compliment about the impeccable grammar/English in the letter I sent to him. He’s been very attentive about some of the points I’ve made, but I’m going to express my concerns about my diagnosis with him during my next visit, if I get the chance. I’ll try to be more open with how I feel.

As for my observations on the Myers’ Cocktail: when I left the office yesterday, I felt fine. As I sat in my truck trying to unwind (I was a bit frenzied), my vision got … watery. It didn’t last long, maybe 5 or 10 minutes, but as I sat there reading the signs around the parking lot and my speedometer, the lettering looked funky 3D and wouldn’t be still. I told Jon it seemed everything around me turned gaseous, like distant hills on a hot summer day. I felt more tilty than normal for the remainder of the day, but not so bad that I walked into walls (okay, maybe once or twice, but that’s not rare). My arm ached most of the evening. Right after bedtime Jon got one of the Comfort Cuddlers (highly recommended) from the freezer for me and I tucked it into the crook of my arm, over the injection site. That seemed to do the trick. He said I was asleep in less than three minutes — POOF. (Yay me!)

Today, mostly I feel the way I usually do after I’ve had a full day. My left arm/hand is a little stiff or swollen and I can’t make a solid (aka useful) fist. My jaw is stiff. I’m not super ambitious and ready to roll, but at least I haven’t yet passed into that silly phase where I can’t stay upright for more than 20 minutes. I have things I’d like to get done, but today is definitely one of those days when I need to pace carefully and to the letter: 2 hours activity and 20 minutes of rest. Period. No arguments. (mmhmm)

Thanks, Rick, for all these years (wow, what now, 14 or 15?) of friendship, for your encouragement to write, for all the videos of X Files you taped and sent, for the care packages of coffee, cocoa, and favorite books. I could go on. And on.

Thanks for adopting me, for calling me sister. For shelter when I needed to cry and for holding my hand all the millions of times. You are amazing.

A simple prayer for you: “Write. Now.”

Write, that I may share some of it here. Write, that you may continue the path to publication. Write, that you may swim in the depths of your own soul and see the universe there unfold. Write, that you may love, live, divine.

Write. Now.

I added dropdown lists for Archives and Categories which helps the left menu look a lot less cluttered.

I thought having people register to post comments would help control spam. Mmm, no. I ended up having to install Akismet to control the freak spammer bots that leave trackback links. So far 105 have been captured and deleted. That was in the first two days. *sigh* Well, at least electronic spam doesn’t kill trees!