white noise

Wow.

I have to copy these passages here. They’re from The Four Agreements, a book by Miguel Ruiz:

The Second Agreement
Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

and …

…Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own mind.

and …

If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn’t walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don’t need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.

The last passage makes me feel I should whole-heartedly thank the people who’ve chosen to walk out of my life. It’s hard to consider that maybe someone’s absence is a heck of a lot better than his or her presence, especially after what feels like a long-term investment. Toxic people make us sick and in turn we continue to feed that toxic addiction; then we become the toxin. It becomes an endless cycle.

The last sentence resonates profoundly. At some level of myself, I understood this as one who understands but barely grasps the universe of the self. It wasn’t long ago that I tangled myself in the toxic environments of others. I felt poisonous off and on for the last seven or eight years. Dependency is a scary demon. I didn’t listen to my own higher-self, even though it’s the voice I should pay closest attention to for guidance.

Mine was a miserable soul the last 3 years I lived in Sacramento. Having to juggle a full-time job, full-time classes, and deal with the barrage of physical pain and fatigue every single day made it difficult to stay grounded or centered. It’s easy to start living someone else’s misery, to lose sight of what is good and happy.

Then, in moving to Virginia, well you know — with all that toxic waste sloshing around inside me, I carried on the tradition. I think I moved away from it incrementally, but it’s been a slow, spiraling climb and one I’ve been less than fully aware of as I’ve traveled. Reawakening and taking back my control has made me happy again. Happy, centered, a little tired and sheepish, too. But, I also feel more focused and more determined to grow and love, and especially believe in myself.

My gift to the human race: I’ll learn to paint beauty with your toxic waste.

Yeah. :)

Thank you, Roddy. For all those nights 10 years ago when the world threatened to come crashing down around me. Thanks for the phone calls, your faith, and strength. I wouldn’t have survived without your help.

Tonight I am reminded even more of just how blessed I am.

Well, I finally did it. I’ve moved Everwild from LeHost.net to DreamHost.com. It’s a big step; no more training wheels, but I’m learning fast. I have tons of room now. :P I also have tons of freedom to break things and REALLY muck them up!

If anyone finds a broken email or link, please let me know. I haven’t updated everything yet. I’m trying to cull the unnecessary stuff out so I don’t have a lot of garbage to sift through should I ever decide I need to move again.

If anyone has ever had to deal with ADP Benefit Services, I’m sure you’ll understand me when I say:

I
HATE
COBRA.

One of my bottom teeth decided to chip last night and I found out today — while visiting a new dentist — that I haven’t had dental coverage through Aetna since the end of January. Oh good grief! First Cigna, now Aetna? When is it going to end? My premium is paid through the end of May, but yet, the processing can’t seem to make it through the proper channels. Argh!

On Saturday, I went with Marni to Roanoke Valley’s Expo for Mind, Body and Soul. We sat through 50 min. classes on Reiki, awareness of the higher-self, and spirituality at work. It was educational, entertaining and fun. We also chanced upon friends from our “New Alchemy” book club (for want of a better name!). We sat through some talks with George and Shirley and also roamed around the exhibitors hall chatting with them.

The greatest ally in promoting spirituality and health is self-awareness. This is what I learned from connecting to the higher-self, which — I should add — is something I learned in the Witchcraft, Myth, and Religions class I took at Sierra college in ’91, but that I didn’t fully grasp. That class taught me about ego, and about fear. Hank Wesselman, our professor (and the author of Spiritwalker: Message from the Future) helped us explore many different philosophies from other cultures, and he also managed to show us how similar or how tied to each other they are. He was heavily into shamanism and you could see, whenever he demonstrated it, how it transported him from professor to shaman. It’s the expressions on his face, the serenity and devotion, that I can recall the most.

Now, I wish I’d have dug deeper into that class. It was ever-fascinating, but I had my hands full struggling with algebra, too.

I feel more centered these days, and certainly more at peace inside myself. It’s that unshakable peace that I strive for, that place within me that will keep me grounded, even in the face of chaos.

The demonstration on Reiki was amazing. The energy transfer I felt was certainly much higher than when we explored it in the earlier class with Karen Winstead, who practices axiatonal therapy (aka reconnective therapy). Karen demonstrated our connection to energy, having us hold the magnets apart, either pole, to feel the push or pull of their energy. In the Reiki session, we each got a small demonstration from student and master teacher practioners from the Loving Touch Center, here in Virginia (sorry, the website is a bit hideous :). I intend to explore Reiki more because that short bit of time under Anita’s hands wiped out most of my exhaustion (we were at the end of the day and I was pooped!), almost as if I’d taken a cat nap.

My goal for the next month is to seek out some form of meditation which will work for me. Jon suggested it the other night as a means to relax and move away from stress. Stress is evil, I tell you, and next to not sleeping, appears to be the second greatest factor in how much I hurt or can function on a daily basis.